Being nervous is just part of my nature, and I think this proves that Judaism is at least on some level, more than just a religion. Ever since I was a kid, any kind of change would throw my head in to a tizzy. My stomach would soon follow. First day of school approaching, would result in me getting very little sleep for the last week or two of summer. Hell, most Sunday nights gave me an upset stomach. Maybe it’s a sign of some great weakness, that’s entirely possible.
Well for the past month, my stomach has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride. One of those shitty ones too, where my head’s rattling between the safety device, that’s meant to keep me on the ride, but may be causing brain damage in the process. That’s how long ago we found out there would be some layoffs at work. D-day is right around the corner, as it was announced that we’d find out this Friday, who stays and who goes. But being that I’m on vacation as of Friday, I get to find out Thursday. Oh, and today is Thursday (I may have started writing this a few days ago) Wait, I have to go throw up again.
I’m back. Friday also happens to be my wife’s birthday, with next week being the Kyd’s 8th and mine is a week after that. Oh, and then there’s Thanksgiving right after that. So really, this is a crappy month to make a family stress. By the time most of you read this, all three of you, I’ll either be ecstatic or ordering another drink.
*
Maybe the Yankees will hire me; we all know they pay well. There’s a few things I’m definitely not, those being; a Republican, a Yankee fan and tall. But looking at the core of these Yankees, I have to admit, I kinda like those guys. Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera and Andy Pettitte are all class acts. Trust me, admitting that is hard for me. So I offer sincere congratulations to them on winning another title. Hopefully the champagne really hurts A-Rods eyes, and just maybe he can fall off the back of his ride during their parade down the Canyon of Heroes.
November 05, 2009
October 29, 2009
Hirplings
I realized something today, a share of stock at the company I work for is selling at just $3.24 more than a share in my company. And I don’t have a company.
Something else about where I work that I just don’t understand. In our restrooms, its all automated. Toilet flushes for you, sink turns on and the soap is dispensed with the help of a sensor. The paper towel, however, is manual. Head to the break area, and everything is manual except, you guessed it, the paper towel. Huh?
*
A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering to trade sex for World Series tickets, as she wanted to score some tickets for her husband and herself. I’m pretty sure Mrs. Hirp knows how big of a Met fan I am, and how much I’d love to see them in the Series, but I’m happy to say: she’d never do that.
*
Kate “Mother of the Year” Gosselin has let it be known, that she wants to be in the movies. “I’ve done enough years on TV that I feel like it’s a normal, comfortable, natural place to be,” said the insane woman. How do any of those three adjectives describe life as the star of a reality television show? Maybe it’s normal and comfortable, or even natural, when someone has something close to an actual talent. The Kardashian’s have more to offer a television audience than this lunatic, and I’m not referring to Kim’s ass.
Of course, nothing about raising eight kids would be normal, but I’m pretty sure pimping your children is far from natural. Comfortable for the Joe Jackson’s, Joe Simpson’s and Gosselin’s of the world, but then again, all three of them are loons. And so now she wants to be in movies. That’s just great, I’m sure she can star in a Roman Polanski movie, and being such a fantastic parent, she wouldn’t think twice if he asked her to bring the kids to the set. Her goal just has to be; to see how much she can mess up her kids. It’s only a matter of time before TLC or VH1 throws her, “Octomom,” the Heene’s, and Michael Lohan are starring in “The Surreal Parenting Life.” With idiots like these being so famous, I wonder what Al-Qaeda thinks. No need to plan any more attacks, we’re obviously pretty screwed up as it is.
*
Back in 1994 I was writing for my school newspaper. Yep, I just admitted it. I sucked, by the way. My writing sucked and I was without a doubt, the biggest pain in the ass. I had a thing where I wouldn’t write any of the stories assigned to me if I didn’t want to. A little bratty, I know this, and I knew it then. Thing was, I refused mostly because I was just terrified of interviewing anyone I didn’t know, because that would mean, you know, having to talk to them.
I did, however, write the longest story of the year. I imagine it’s still the longest article ever written for that horribly run paper. It was my NBA Preview, and it ended up appearing in three issues, rather than one, and that still wasn’t enough. What the students of West Beverly missed, was me correctly predicting an NBA Final of the Knicks versus the Rockets. I got the outcome wrong, as I picked the Knicks. Shocker huh?
So today I take my second, much shorter stab at an NBA Preview. I say it’s the Spurs against the Celtics in the Finals, with the Spurs winning the title.
Something else about where I work that I just don’t understand. In our restrooms, its all automated. Toilet flushes for you, sink turns on and the soap is dispensed with the help of a sensor. The paper towel, however, is manual. Head to the break area, and everything is manual except, you guessed it, the paper towel. Huh?
*
A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering to trade sex for World Series tickets, as she wanted to score some tickets for her husband and herself. I’m pretty sure Mrs. Hirp knows how big of a Met fan I am, and how much I’d love to see them in the Series, but I’m happy to say: she’d never do that.
*
Kate “Mother of the Year” Gosselin has let it be known, that she wants to be in the movies. “I’ve done enough years on TV that I feel like it’s a normal, comfortable, natural place to be,” said the insane woman. How do any of those three adjectives describe life as the star of a reality television show? Maybe it’s normal and comfortable, or even natural, when someone has something close to an actual talent. The Kardashian’s have more to offer a television audience than this lunatic, and I’m not referring to Kim’s ass.
Of course, nothing about raising eight kids would be normal, but I’m pretty sure pimping your children is far from natural. Comfortable for the Joe Jackson’s, Joe Simpson’s and Gosselin’s of the world, but then again, all three of them are loons. And so now she wants to be in movies. That’s just great, I’m sure she can star in a Roman Polanski movie, and being such a fantastic parent, she wouldn’t think twice if he asked her to bring the kids to the set. Her goal just has to be; to see how much she can mess up her kids. It’s only a matter of time before TLC or VH1 throws her, “Octomom,” the Heene’s, and Michael Lohan are starring in “The Surreal Parenting Life.” With idiots like these being so famous, I wonder what Al-Qaeda thinks. No need to plan any more attacks, we’re obviously pretty screwed up as it is.
*
Back in 1994 I was writing for my school newspaper. Yep, I just admitted it. I sucked, by the way. My writing sucked and I was without a doubt, the biggest pain in the ass. I had a thing where I wouldn’t write any of the stories assigned to me if I didn’t want to. A little bratty, I know this, and I knew it then. Thing was, I refused mostly because I was just terrified of interviewing anyone I didn’t know, because that would mean, you know, having to talk to them.
I did, however, write the longest story of the year. I imagine it’s still the longest article ever written for that horribly run paper. It was my NBA Preview, and it ended up appearing in three issues, rather than one, and that still wasn’t enough. What the students of West Beverly missed, was me correctly predicting an NBA Final of the Knicks versus the Rockets. I got the outcome wrong, as I picked the Knicks. Shocker huh?
So today I take my second, much shorter stab at an NBA Preview. I say it’s the Spurs against the Celtics in the Finals, with the Spurs winning the title.
October 26, 2009
HirPolitics
We’re not supposed to buy into stereo types, even though we all do, at least occasionally on some level. Most of us, those that HAVE a sense of humor, will enjoy poking fun at those stereo types. The great comedians are able to use those stereo types and our insecurities related to them, as great material. See Larry David, Wanda Sykes, Daniel Tosh, Mel Brooks, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle and anyone else that’s funnier than Dane Cook for examples. But the thing about those stereotypes is, there’s always a group of people who fit the bill perfectly.
I recently read a story about how Rush Limbaugh fell for a hoax regarding President Obama. The hoax goes like this, Limbaugh reported a story as fact on his show, and that story claimed that the President wrote a thesis in college that slammed the Constitution.
"While political freedom is supposedly a cornerstone of the document, the distribution of wealth is not even mentioned," read the bogus Columbia University thesis. "While many believed that the new Constitution gave them liberty, it instead fitted them with the shackles of hypocrisy."
So Rush takes to the airways, and tells his moronic listeners all about it. Then he later finds out the thesis never existed. Does he apologize for not doing any actual reporting? No, of course not, instead he takes the stance that it’s satire, but in all good comedy must contain an element of the truth. “And we know how he feels about the distribution of wealth.”
I guess, Rush, that means all the jokes we hear about you being a racist, hate mongering, anti-Semitic, pill popping, “big fat idiot” must be based on some truth, and you’re admitting as much by giving the hoax even the slightest bit of credibility. That’s fantastic. Thanks for admitting what millions already knew. I guess that also makes any jokes I make about your listeners, based on truth, even if I haven’t done the research to back up just how stupid they are.
See Rush, you do as much to make white men look stupid as OJ Simpson does to make black men look violent, or Madoff does to make Jews look greedy and Bin Laden does to make Muslims look hateful and dangerous. Good job, asshole.
Now here’s what I want to see, but it never will happen. I want to see Fox News, yes you Bill and Glenn, go on air and blast Rush for failing to do “real reporting” just as you’d blast Jon Stewart if he reported that Limbaugh wrote a thesis at his junior college about bringing back slavery. By the way, I like that I can find videos online that say “the media say Rush Limbaugh was hoaxed” as if Rush isn’t actually a part of the media. So what is he does again?
This all got me to thinking, and I usually avoid that activity at all costs. Recently a hate crime bill passed, that now makes it a federal offense to beat up someone for their sexual orientation. The Republicans were largely against this because it’s already a crime to beat anyone up, and making it a federal offense because of the thought process (or lack thereof) that lead to the attack is “a thought crime.”
On some level, I agree. I’m not sure if it should matter why someone is assaulted, if its their skin color or just because they spilled a beer on you at a bar shouldn’t really matter. Hitting anyone is wrong. But then again, there’s something extra sick about the fact that such violent acts can take place just because we’re different. My point is, I find it damn funny that on one hand Republican’s are afraid of “thought crimes,” because we can’t really measure what one’s thoughts were. And at the same time, so many of these Republicans seem to know exactly what thoughts our President is having, and how he has this awful plot to take over the world.
Is this really so different? Shouldn’t they judge him on his actions, and not what ideology may or may not be inspiring him? Glen Beck can call the President a racist, with a “deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.” And that matters, but if someone beats the snot out of someone just for being black or gay, well all that really matters is the act. The Republican Party, where logic and common sense go to die.
I recently read a story about how Rush Limbaugh fell for a hoax regarding President Obama. The hoax goes like this, Limbaugh reported a story as fact on his show, and that story claimed that the President wrote a thesis in college that slammed the Constitution.
"While political freedom is supposedly a cornerstone of the document, the distribution of wealth is not even mentioned," read the bogus Columbia University thesis. "While many believed that the new Constitution gave them liberty, it instead fitted them with the shackles of hypocrisy."
So Rush takes to the airways, and tells his moronic listeners all about it. Then he later finds out the thesis never existed. Does he apologize for not doing any actual reporting? No, of course not, instead he takes the stance that it’s satire, but in all good comedy must contain an element of the truth. “And we know how he feels about the distribution of wealth.”
I guess, Rush, that means all the jokes we hear about you being a racist, hate mongering, anti-Semitic, pill popping, “big fat idiot” must be based on some truth, and you’re admitting as much by giving the hoax even the slightest bit of credibility. That’s fantastic. Thanks for admitting what millions already knew. I guess that also makes any jokes I make about your listeners, based on truth, even if I haven’t done the research to back up just how stupid they are.
See Rush, you do as much to make white men look stupid as OJ Simpson does to make black men look violent, or Madoff does to make Jews look greedy and Bin Laden does to make Muslims look hateful and dangerous. Good job, asshole.
Now here’s what I want to see, but it never will happen. I want to see Fox News, yes you Bill and Glenn, go on air and blast Rush for failing to do “real reporting” just as you’d blast Jon Stewart if he reported that Limbaugh wrote a thesis at his junior college about bringing back slavery. By the way, I like that I can find videos online that say “the media say Rush Limbaugh was hoaxed” as if Rush isn’t actually a part of the media. So what is he does again?
This all got me to thinking, and I usually avoid that activity at all costs. Recently a hate crime bill passed, that now makes it a federal offense to beat up someone for their sexual orientation. The Republicans were largely against this because it’s already a crime to beat anyone up, and making it a federal offense because of the thought process (or lack thereof) that lead to the attack is “a thought crime.”
On some level, I agree. I’m not sure if it should matter why someone is assaulted, if its their skin color or just because they spilled a beer on you at a bar shouldn’t really matter. Hitting anyone is wrong. But then again, there’s something extra sick about the fact that such violent acts can take place just because we’re different. My point is, I find it damn funny that on one hand Republican’s are afraid of “thought crimes,” because we can’t really measure what one’s thoughts were. And at the same time, so many of these Republicans seem to know exactly what thoughts our President is having, and how he has this awful plot to take over the world.
Is this really so different? Shouldn’t they judge him on his actions, and not what ideology may or may not be inspiring him? Glen Beck can call the President a racist, with a “deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.” And that matters, but if someone beats the snot out of someone just for being black or gay, well all that really matters is the act. The Republican Party, where logic and common sense go to die.
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